Today is my due date by measurements. But as we can all see, here I am alive and kicking from home. I went from feeling super anxious and annoyed at the prodromal labor, to just making a big effort to relax and take my mind off of it. I didn't even know what prodromal labor was or that it existed at the beginning of this journey.
I've been at 3cm dilated, 90% effaced, with contractions at 3 to 8 minutes for the last sixteen days. At first, I didn't register them contractions as contractions; it felt like any discomfort I learned to live with in my life. I really only found out the were contractions after my doctor measured them since the baby had already dropped. But time has gone on and they have become progressively more frustrating, though not closer together. My doctor checked me last Thursday and, to my dismay, sees absolutely no dilation progression. My feet are very swollen. We're talking extreme cankles and feet that don't even fit “comfort sandals” meant to be for edema. My contractions, themselves, don't register as pain as much as they paralyze me. I feel my uterus hardening to the point that I cannot move without feeling like it will tear. I feel forced to crouch or squat. And I feel major discomfort in my back. But perhaps the most annoying part of this all is not what I feel physically, but what I feel mentally. My doctor describes prodromal labor as "real labor in shifts" and these shifts are wearing me out.
I have been soaking my feet in hot water and epsom salt, and trying to walk and stretch. All of it helps, at least mentally. I feel so ready to get this going and am trying so hard to feel less frustrated at my lack of control over when he arrives. But isn’t that just the best parenting lesson he is already teaching me without even exiting the womb: my time is not my own anymore.
And, truthfully, I could have always used a lesson in patience. This is probably it. My due date by LMP (Last Menstrual Period) is still around the corner, so I may just have to learn to do the thing I am worst at—wait.
So now we wait. |
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Ella era. She was. I was―
I was once young, I can now say. And while I miss the leisure and reckless passion of my youth, I do not yet miss my youth. (I mean, I miss my metabolism but not my youngin' mindset, y'know what I am saying?)
Turning thirty was a hallmark age and very hard for me emotionally. I was scared of aging. But as I continue to age, I feel both humility and excitement welcoming my middle ages and diving into the unknown future. Here are my top five reflections and resolutions on aging gracefully. . . .
"Ella era hermosa, pero no como esas chicas de las revistas. Era hermosa, por la forma en la que pensaba. Era hermosa, por el brillo de sus ojos cuando hablaba de algo que amaba. Era hermosa, por su habilidad de hacer sonreír a otras personas incluso cuando estaba triste. No, no era hermosa por algo tan temporal como su aspecto físico. Ella era hermosa, profundamente en su alma. Ella es hermosa."
― F. SCOTT FITZGERALD ―
"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. She is beautiful."
| 1. BE A BEAUTIFUL SOUL
I am a creature persistently too consumed with shallow insecurities about my looks and I hope to increasingly leave that behind in my youth. As I heal from this, I realize I was much too ignorant to know what true beauty is until my conscious self-annihilation. In a world where we reduce beauty to the superficial, I dare to be brave and to develop my inner beauty instead.
I grew up feeling ugly and I wasted my youth thinking ugly. In my middle-age, it finally hit me that the things I hated most about myself physically are the things that make me truly me. The big nose that I hated all my life and vowed to change cosmetically, I now am glad I kept as I am an heiress to this nose. Every time I look at my father and my grandfather, I am filled with love for this feature. And my crème fraîche skin which was much too pale to be considered tan and much too pinkish-gold to be considered snow-white, is now nothing more than a reminder of the varied ancestors that I carry in every cell.
More importantly, I now dare to bare my soul and seek to create beauty with my actions and my words. I want to keep a smile on my face that welcomes others. I want my passion for art and old world intricacies to light people's curiosity. I don't want anyone to ever wonder if I like them; I want them to know that I do. And, overall, I want to make people feel accepted, loved, admired, and valued in my presence.
By Leslie Crystal Photography | Self Featured | Chicwish, Roni Kantor, and INC International Concepts |  |
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“Social media is just the market’s answer to a generation that demanded them to perform, so the market said 'Here, perform everything, to each other, all the time for no other reason.' It’s prison, it’s horrific. It’s performer and audience melded together. What do we want more than to lay in bed at the end of the day and just watch our lives as a satisfied audience member? I know very little about anything, but I do know this: that if you can live your life without an audience, you should do it.”
― BO BURNHAM2. LIVE WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE
I was too consumed with social media. I was living my life for daily transmission and it was exhausting. Yet disconnecting from social media was always difficult because it was not only a nearly full-time job for me, but also a source of socialization and expression for me. The immediate affirmation via 'likes' and comments was a token of affection that I grew addicted to. In part, this was because I felt a need for affection and affirmation from my peers. But also, this was because I simply had a hard time communicating in real life and social media gave me a substitute platform to share myself at an intimate level... without the fear of facing people in person. (I'm prone to tear up when talking to people, and my voice trembles when I speak up for myself).
At some point last year, however, I just simply stopped feeling a need for online affirmation. I still felt like expressing myself and taking a ridiculous amount of photographs, but I started craving privacy. Freedom. I can't explain really why; it was just a gift from aging. I just stopped caring if other people liked who I was or what I did, because I realized that I really liked who I was and what I did. I grew an appreciation for myself that was no longer dependent on social media.
Moreover, I learned that my love of expressing myself through words and visuals was better channeled through more static mediums like photography and blogging. Now, I want to use any sharing I do online to transmit real information and insight, rather than just live my life day-to-day on it. This is pretty much how and why this blog was born.
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“Kindness and compassion towards all living things is a mark of a civilized society.”
― César Chávez
3. LIVE COMPASSIONATELY
I was very wasteful growing up. I didn't grow up thinking about the environment or animals or any of the bigger picture. Over the last year or so was really the first time in my life that I had the privilege, insight, and maturity to think about the planet and its creatures in a more compassionate way.
First, I fell in love with my cats. To know them is to love them, and to seek to advocate for animals. While I am not vegan (I fall far short of this moral ideal for environmental ideals I value equally as deep), I have taken into ideal regard to reduce our animal consumption, both in food and other products. I seek to live a more compassionate and earth-friendly life, finding a balance between my ideals and my lifestyle. For me, this has meant taking into account that any make-up, clothing, or products I use are either second-hand items, cruelty-free, and rejecting fast fashion. While not perfect, I am trying to take steps towards a more compassionate life. Above all, I seek to continue taking baby steps in the direction of kindness for all earthlings.
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"After all these years, I am still involved in the process of self-discovery. It's better to explore life and make mistakes than to play it safe. Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. "
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“Walking, I can almost hear the redwoods beating. And the oceans are above me here, rolling clouds, heavy and dark. It is winter and there is smoke from the fires. It is a world of elemental attention, of all things working together, listening to what speaks in the blood. Whichever road I follow, I walk in the land of many gods, and they love and eat one another. Suddenly all my ancestors are behind me. Be still, they say. Watch and listen. You are the result of the love of thousands.”
― LINDA HOGAN5. VALUE MY HERITAGE
I was disconnected from my culture and heritage. As a racially ambiguous/white-passing Mexican American, I vacillated between wanting to be "super Mexican" in my disproportionately Mexican elementary school and wanting to "pass for white" in my predominantly Anglo middle school and high school. Really, I just craved to belong. But I never really felt like I belonged or knew much about who I was to celebrate it.
In the last years, I took an interest in learning more about my ancestry in an effort to learn more about myself. And I learned so much about my ancestors. Ever since learning about my ancestry and embarking on my investigation into the past, I have found a profound love and acceptance of myself and interest in culture. In my future, I want to build deep roots with my culture and family. In some distant time, I can imagine myself living between two (or more) countries and just being more connected to the earth. Also, I want to develop an eye for ethnic clothing and arts: something I have always admired and never known much about. My personal style is developing in that direction. |
SHOP
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St. Lucia Day (Dec. 13th) opens the Nordic Christmas season. On this day, families select a girl to be their Lucia, dressed in white robes with a red sash and crowned in a candle-lit lingonberry wreath, to serve the family with lusekatts (saffron buns) and pastries. Lucia meaning light, St. Lucia Day is the winter solstice festival of lights across Sweden, Norway, and Finland, which begins with a procession led by the Lucia designee, followed by Tärnor (servant girls) dressed in all white and wearing wreaths on their heads and Stjärngossar (star boys) dressed in a white pajama-like costume singing traditional songs. Although I only recently found out that I carry Nordic blood (Norwegian), my love of this holiday runs to my childhood.
You see, growing up my siblings and I were not allowed to watch television or play with dolls. So I grew a wild, untameable imagination and read books. Lots and lots of books. And we were too poor to actually buy any books, so we would check out books, magazines, and catalogs (to the max limit) every week. That's how I discovered the American Girl catalog and my favorite holiday book from the American Girl Collection...about an immigrant girl |
in Minnesota celebrating St. Lucia Day (Kirsten all the way, duh!). I wanted that Kirsten doll in her Lucia robes so badly! But, alas, it never was.
As an adult, I decided to enact my own Christmas traditions and I knew where I wanted to start. So this year, if anyone is wondering why I am crazy-happy this season and obsessed with celebrating St. Lucia Day, it is because this was the first year in my LIFE that I was able to materialize it into something more than the daydreams I grew up with. Huzzah!
By Leslie Crystal
Photography | Leslie Crystal |
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In celebrating this day, I made our Lussekatter and cinnamon pastries from scratch early in the morning (Too early, maybe!). I used the Vegan Lussekatter Recipe from The Vegan Swedes. During the afternoon, we ate our pastries with Glogg (Swedish/Norwegian Mulled Wine) and coffee, and feasted on a Gardein Holiday Roast, paired with maple brussels sprouts and peppered sweet potatoes. This meal has officially become our holiday staple for a meatless holiday option. It was truly delicious!
We finished out St. Lucia Day celebration by wrapping up Christmas presents and putting up our Star atop the Christmas tree!
IT WAS SUCH A WONDERFUL WAY TO START OUR YULETIDE SEASON. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
SHOP
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